Which OS would you recommend for a laptop

So, I’ve been using Windows for about 20 years on various PCs and laptops. Finally, after this morning’s 1 hour 40 minute update (missed my train to work, etc, etc) and the only things it has done are lose my network shares, add a store icon to the taskbar, and start prompting me to use their f*****g one drive cloud that I’ve tried a million times to remove. I have had apple TV boxes, and currently have a Fire TV box that works great, but I imagine like a lot of people I run scared of messing with the pre-installed operating system. So, it takes a f**k-up of monumental proportions to get me to ask:

Can anyone “impartially” recommend an operating system that is not massively over-bloated with sh*t I don’t need or want (recipes, stock prices, etc), will operate a browser without crashing every third page it visits, will connect to my Synology NAS and won’t forget how to do each it each time I log-in (my Fire TV can do it – why can’t Windows?), and of course be able to play my media with Kodi. I already use things like Libre0ffice so I’m in no way hooked into microsoft, other than their handcuff relationship with the laptop manufacturers.

Secondly, and more importantly could you recommend a site that takes the non-programming lay-person through how to install a new operating system safely without completely killing my laptop and preferably without losing documents, music, photos, or spending 3 days backing up to CDs and re-loading. I know this is really dumb, but I don’t even know if I can load an android operating system onto this laptop or if that is very hardware dependent.

Oh, and by the way – I don’t want to try f*****g Office for 30 days !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks (can’t find an emoji with steam coming out of ears) and sorry if this is the wrong place to post.